STEP PLAN COACH

What makes it so complicated to form a new family?

Of course you choose your new love yourself, but the children and the other biological parent plus family are added to the mix without asking. The consequences of creating a new family are often still unpredictable. Especially for the children it has multiple consequences, of which we are not always aware. To name a few:

• When a father or mother meets a new partner, children get to know a new parent. This parent adds something that can be a complement. This can be positive, but for many children it is very getting used to.
• Two parenting cultures: when a new family is formed, two parenting cultures are merged. Often new rules apply.
• In a blended family, ex-partners remain parents together. The person with whom the child lives the most often also has the most influence on the upbringing.
• However, important decisions such as transferring to another school or learning difficulties require consultation.
• In the stepfamily, the biological parent is in most cases the main educator. But the stepparent also has his or her educational task, depending on what agreements have been made about this and who is home most of the time.
• Children who live in a new family have in most cases experienced a divorce from their parents. With the arrival of a stepparent, the grief about the divorce can return strongly.
• Of course, there are also blended families that are formed after the death of one of the parents. The arrival of a stepparent can reinforce the grief for the deceased parent.
• The parent and the child have a blood relationship. The basis for this is the hereditary and biological relationship. This is strengthened by a shared history. The bond between stepparent and stepchild is an acquired bond.
• After a divorce, children have to change homes from one week to the next with great regularity. Taking cuddly toys, clothes, school books and extra nice trousers for Sunday. In addition to changing addresses, children also have to change family culture.
• In a stepfamily, loyalty plays a major role. First, there is the loyalty of the parent to the child and vice versa. In addition, the parent and children who do not live in the same house are also loyal to each other. Children are often loyal to the parent who they feel is the weakest and has suffered the most from the divorce.

It has long been thought that a divorce has more impact on children than the formation of a stepfamily, but this appears to be different. The arrival of a stepparent can cause a lot of stress. Systemically, much is also demanded of the new family; role and place, but also the connection and balance between giving and taking come under pressure. There are many loyalties within the blended family and also to different systems that exist side by side.

In short, there is more to it than you realize in that first crush. It is also not for nothing that 60% of the stepfamilies ultimately does not make it. Nice message? Not really! But the other 40% does make it.

The key to this success lies largely in mutual communication. Recognizing what is there and choosing again and again to make it a success together, no matter how difficult it may be sometimes. That requires time, insight, coordination and clear agreements to do it well.

DRAWING UP A STEP PLAN

Since 2009, parents who are going to divorce are required to draw up a parenting plan in which agreements are made about the upbringing and care of the children. Why wouldn't you draw up a similar step plan if you start (or have) a relationship with someone who already has children?

Often the relationships in a new family are complicated and there are different loyalties at play (towards your (ex-)partner, your biological and stepchildren). In addition to emotional tensions, there are also practical problems around the corner: How do we raise children? Who corrects the children? How do we celebrate birthdays? And how do we deal with the ex-partner?

When you merge two families, it is important to try to take into account each other's wishes and expectations, including those of the children. The questions you should ask each other in a new family - and which are essential to becoming a successful stepfamily - are not always readily available or obvious.

The Step Plan helps you formulate a shared goal. You can fill in what support you expect from your partner (practical and emotional) and what you find important in parenting, how you want things to be handled, and what role the ex-partner and ex-in-laws play. In passing, you may hear some very surprising things from your partner, or you may not have known that you actually find some things very important. Take the time to discuss and fill in the Step Plan together - also with the children; it increases the chance that your new family will succeed.

The Step Plan Coach is a specially trained professional who knows everything about blended families and the Step Plan. The Step Plan Coach helps you fill in the plan and can also help you solve and prevent existing problems. Most families are helped in one to five conversations!

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Difference between blended families and step plan coaching

The difference between coaching for blended families and step plan coaching is mainly in the focus and approach:

Coaching for blended families:

Goal: Helps the entire family find a new balance in the dynamics of a blended family.

Focus: Relational challenges between (step)parents, children, and mutual dynamics. Think about communication, dealing with differences in parenting styles, and creating a safe space for everyone.

Approach: Aimed at improving family relationships as a whole and resolving any conflicts or tensions.

Step plan coaching:

Goal: Focused on practical agreements and creating a clear step plan that provides structure to the new family.

Focus: Establishing concrete agreements on matters such as finances, upbringing, vacations, visitation arrangements, and boundaries. This prevents misunderstandings and provides a basis to fall back on.

Approach: Aimed at creating clarity and preventing conflicts by coordinating everything properly in advance.

In short:

• Blended families coaching focuses on the emotional and relational side of family life.
• Step plan coaching is practical and helps to record agreements to make family life run more smoothly.

Both forms can complement each other, depending on the family's needs.