FAMILY CONSTELLATIONS WITH CHILDREN

CHILD IN TROUBLE

Disclaimer:
This page is about family constellations with children and young people. Where the text refers to “children,” it also refers to young people. The terms “children” and “youth” are used interchangeably depending on the context, but the information applies to both groups. Family constellations are a valuable method that can be used for both children as young people helps to better deal with challenges, emotional burden and invisible dynamics within the family system.

NB: The content on this page is intended to provide insight into how family constellations work and what they can mean for children and young people. It is not a substitute for professional help for serious complaints or situations.

For more information or specific questions about how family constellations can help your child or young person, please feel free to contact us. contact on.

Children can get into a lot of trouble in divorce situations. They often experience a conflict of loyalty and find it difficult to tell their parents honestly and openly what they think for fear of disappointing them.

CHILDREN AND DIVORCE

In order to find your own happiness in life again, it is sometimes better to walk a different path. However, children want their parents to stay together; a divorce feels like a big threat and dealing with it is a big job. There are many aspects surrounding divorce that demand a lot from children, such as tensions between parents before and after the divorce, two places of residence, the original family that is no longer there, parents and children who see each other less or parents who change because of the divorce. Many children experience confusing feelings as a result, which are indirectly expressed in their behavior. One aspect of this is that the child experiences itself through the parents. From the perspective of the parents, they are two autonomous people who make their own choices, argue and are different. From the child's perspective, the child sees its parents as one. Through them, it can love itself. The child sees itself as positive if the parents have a warm bond. It can then easily embrace the parents. But if there is constant tension between the parents, the child cannot embrace the parents as one. It is then more difficult for the child to experience itself as positive. The child may then develop different behavior, which others experience as 'two faces of the child.'

out: Unrest in the child's heart by Kita Bronda

FAMILY CONSTELLATION WITH CHILDREN

Mental problems, eating disorders or other unusual behaviour in children and young people indicate a disruption of the 'order' at soul level. A solution to these problems often only comes into view when the child is addressed at a deeper, unconscious level. Children feel unconditional love for their parents. This means that when things are not going well with one of the parents, the child automatically takes action. It always wants to restore peace in the system. For example, children start caring for the parent with whom things are not going well. If this happens too much and too often, the child ends up in a position where it does not belong. The roles between child and parent are then reversed, as it were, the little one takes care of the big one.

LET YOUR CHILD BE A CHILD

As parents, take good care of yourself so that a child feels unburdened and free. Let your child be a child. Take responsibility for setbacks such as relationship problems, problems with work, parents, friends or illness. Get support from your partner, family, other adults or a professional. Keep telling your child that they don't have to worry about you. You can even literally say lovingly: 'You are the little one, I am the big one, I will solve this with other adults'. It is useful to do family constellations with parents: if they clear things out of their own system, they give their children more air.

If you don't pick up your own stones, you'll not only trip over them yourself, but also your children.
– Surinamese proverb

HOW CAN YOU WORK SYSTEMICALLY WITH CHILDREN?

children's arrangement As a constellation facilitator, you can observe what is going on within the family. When someone is excluded, the order between parents and children is under pressure or when the balance between giving and taking is disturbed, you can talk to the parents about this. Often, the problems that are playing out here and now also have to do with the history of the parents. This is often not solvable, but a loving way of looking and gentle compassion can make a big difference.
Working with children is often about accepting what is and making parents aware of their responsibility. As a supervisor, you have no judgment about what is going on. The central question is: “What makes the whole family stronger or weaker?” That is a good guideline that goes beyond the individual problem of the child.

DIVORCE AND CHILDREN

Children can experience a great deal of discomfort and a conflict of loyalty during or after a divorce. They can get the impression that they have to choose between one of the parents. Sometimes they take on the role of one of the parents or they take the divorce personally and feel (partly) guilty about the situation.

A divorce can be accompanied by intense emotions. In general, children are very flexible in mind and adapt quickly to a new situation. Children often find it difficult to deal with the intense, irrational emotions of their father or mother during this difficult period. These emotions can make them feel torn apart inside. After all, they only have one father and one mother who will always remain parents together. It is therefore important to keep children out of the interrelationship conflict and to let them know that the love of their parents has taken on a different form. When parents say that they no longer love each other, the child can interpret this on an unconscious level that it is also possible that the love of the parent for them can stop. They will then try even harder and will be less likely to express their true feelings. As parents, seek support from other adults, friends, family or a professional.

Watch this video from Villa Pinedo about the experience and perception of children of divorced parents. Their story is valuable.

Any questions? Contact me

FAMILY CONSTELLATIONS AND CHILDREN: MAKING THE INVISIBLE VISIBLE

Children grow up within a family system that influences them unconsciously. This system, consisting of parents, grandparents and other family members, can contain patterns, tensions and dynamics that affect the child's behaviour, emotions and well-being. Family constellations offer a unique and effective way to make these invisible dynamics visible and to find solutions that restore balance within the system.

HOW DOES A FAMILY CONSTELLATION WORK FOR CHILDREN?

A family constellation looks at the place a child occupies within his or her family. Unresolved tensions, family traumas or disruptions in the balance of giving and taking within the system can express themselves in the child's behavior or emotions. Think of:

Deviant behavior
Insecurity or lack of self-confidence
Child gets angry quickly
Mood swings
Mental health problems such as depression or burnout
Quiet or loud and rebellious
Sleep disorders
Concentration problems
Hypersensitive
Addictive behavior or suicidal tendencies
Eating disorders such as anorexia or bulimia

By means of a set-up, these hidden causes can be investigated. The child does not always have to be present; parents can have the system set up and gain insight into what is going on.

WHY FAMILY CONSTELLATIONS FOR CHILDREN ARE EFFECTIVE

Children are often particularly sensitive to the emotional atmosphere within their family. They sometimes carry burdens that actually belong to their parents or previous generations, such as unresolved grief or feelings of guilt. A family constellation can make visible where these burdens come from and who they really belong to. This insight can provide relief for both the child and the rest of the family.

EXAMPLES OF SITUATIONS IN WHICH FAMILY CONSTELLATIONS CAN HELP

1. CHILDREN OF DIVORCED PARENTS

A divorce can cause tensions that affect the child. A constellation can help to understand and restore the new family structure.

2. BEHAVIORAL PROBLEMS

Misunderstood anger or fear can often be traced back to tensions within the family system.

3. ADOPTION OR FOSTER CARE

Children growing up outside their biological family may struggle with questions about their place and identity.

4. LOSS IN THE FAMILY

The death of a family member, even a generation earlier, can have an impact on a child and can be processed through a constellation.

5. BLENDED FAMILIES

New family structures can be complex, and constellations provide clarity about everyone's place.

HOW CAN A CHILD BENEFIT?

A family constellation can give the child peace, without having to participate directly. Parents often discover surprising connections and get tools to deal with situations differently. This helps the child to feel safer and more stable within the family.

Family constellations are a gentle, respectful method that helps children to release the burden of invisible tensions. By working on the family system as a whole, space is created for relaxation, growth and a better balance for everyone in the family.

Curious about how a constellation can contribute to the development and well-being of your child? Contact us for more information or a free introductory meeting.